Defining Your Relationships

Relationships are a very important part everyones life. They are a fulfilling of needs. If a certain relationship makes you feel good, then your specific needs are being met by the other person. If a relationship makes you feel sad, causes negative feelings or brings you down, then your needs are probably not being met and changes will have to be made.

It’s time to take a serious look at your relationships. Take care of the good ones, nurture them and they will grow even stronger then they are now. If the not so good ones go unchecked, then you can be doing more harm to yourself then good.

There are as many different relationships as there are people, but for now let us look at the top 4. Love Relationships, Relationships with friends, Physical Needs Relationships and the relationships you have with strangers.

First take a look at your love relationship, the most intimate of them all. When it comes to your emotional state of mind this one effects you the most. If you feel excited, happy and/or energized when you think of your partner, then you can conclude your most basic needs are being met by your loved one. You feel loved and thus love that person easily in return. This is considered a healthy relationship.

If on the other hand you feel drained, nervous or don’t know what to expect when you see your partner, then it’s probably a negative relationship and is taking more out of you then is giving back. It’s harder to truly care about someone when they don’t seem to care about you. When the negative feelings out number the positive ones, then it may be time to consider some important changes.

Relationships with your friends need to meet some particular needs as well. Whether it be a friend who can make you laugh and feel better with their humor, or the friend who is a great listener…you have certain expectations that the other person will fulfill certain needs. In positive friendships, you feel confident that the other person will be there for you. You can tell they sincerely care about you, and of course you care about them and what is happening in their life.

Some so called friendships only add chaos and drama to our life. You probably know someone who is in the habit of looking at the dark side of the coin and seem to relish in negativity. These people can be very damaging and don’t serve anyone for the good. They are takers, and it’s best not to associate with these spiritual vampires. Weed them out of your life as soon as possible.

Your physical needs relationships are, for example, with the mailman, or the corner store clerk, they are there to serve you with certain needs. If they give you good service you feel pleased and will definitely return another day. We all know what happens if the service they provide is not so good, we sure think twice about using their service again, and if at all possible we find someone who provides better service.

Or better yet, the relationship with your boss. His needs are met when you show up to work and do the job he expects of you. In turn, your physical needs of cash flow are met by him. It’s a transaction relationship. When you do a good job, then hopefully, your boss recognizes that you are great at fulfilling his needs and pays you well. On the other hand, if you fail to deliver on his needs you will soon be replaced by someone who can.

The last type of relationship to take a look at is the one you have with complete strangers. Your basic need in a stranger relationship is the expectation that they will be polite and respectful. When this happens there is natural harmony and the conversation flows smoothly. We ‘like’ that person, even though we don’t really know them. But when we run into people who are rude, your first and basic need of the stranger relationship is not met and automatically you feel you ‘don’t like that person’ and negative feelings arise.

When good feelings come up when thinking about someone in your life, it’s probably a healthy relationship - these are the ones that will flourish and grow. If not so good feelings come up when thinking of others, then some basic needs simply are not being met and it may be considered an unhealthy relationship - these have little or no light and will eventually meet their demise.

So what can you do if you realize that a relationship your in is an unhealthy one?

Well, you have three choices. You can completely accept the relationship as it is and understand that the other person just don’t have and cannot provide you with those needs. Take full responsibility for your part in the relationship and stay strong enough not to let their negativity and lack affect you and your feelings.

You could look for possible ways to change that relationship. Look at what you bring to the table and determine if you can give or do more for the other person. In doing so they should give more back to you. You could talk to them. Tell them how you feel, what you need from them and ask for the change you want to see. What happens next will be determined by how much you care for each other. The truth will be illuminated.

If you find these options are impossible, if the other person is just too negative or they are unwilling to change in anyway, then you are much better off without that person in your life to begin with. Sever the ties and move on. Be honest with yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness and if there is a relationship that is doing you more harm then good, then free yourself of that dis-ease. If any relationship is tiring you out and only leaves you feeling bad, then you owe it to yourself to find new friends.

In any good relationship, you will never have to give up your morals or change your standards; the other person will only recognize the awesomeness in you and find ways to expand on them.


  1. Great Post ?Buffy

    Reading this post reminded me why I did not commit to my last relationship. It was always negative and regardless what I did to accommodate, I felt I was not appreciated.

    After reading this post, I understand why It just drifted apart.

  2. That's great to hear Kerry, thank you for sharing.

    I am glad that you were able to come to an inner unstanding about your last relationship with this post. I hope you feel more at peace about the break up now, knowing that people do grow, sometimes apart. Just a fact of life and nothing personal.

    Be Well